I was traveling back home from office in a cab and as always I had plethora of thoughts running in my mind. Thoughts that I had no control on; thoughts that got connected to another thought and so on; thoughts that made me feel so bad and while I was still on the way, I felt suffocated. I felt that I am trapped in a box and I was helpless like never before. I was sweating and I was able feel my heart beating fast. I somehow tried to calm myself and reached home. I realized that it was not at all normal. I dealt with so much in past few months that I was filled with pessimism. I had darkness all around and it was difficult to find the light. The words like hope, inspiration, motivation felt small and the all the negative things overcame me. It was hard to sleep and even if I slept, I started having bad dreams that made me woke up with a fear. And the saddest part was that I had no one around. I was not used to a home been so empty. After my mother left us, our home was not home. I felt hatred for my home and waking up and finding no one around was one of the reason for this hatred. Time flew and I was still the same. I was lost in my thoughts and most of the people had no idea what I am going through. For most of them I was fine as with time you learn to fake a smile, but then you can not hide your emotions from your true mates. So a few of my friends suggested meto go somewhere on a short trip and to feel a bit better I went on a trip with my friends to mountains because I had a feeling that at this point of time, when nothing could help, the nature surely will. And it really did. I was lost in the beauty of the place and staying away from the hustle and bustle of city life where you do not have the cellular network, worked in my favor. Though you do feel disconnected from the world, but you feel connected to yourself. Nature is the best medication and it soothes you. One can find solace that no one else can provide. Well on the trip, one of my friend played a song and it took my attention. ‘I’ve been thinking too much. I am Falling so I am taking my time on my ride. I’ve been thinking too much. Help Me.’ said the lyrics of a song named Ride sang by Twenty One Pilot. I was able to relate to the song as I was thinking too much and I really needed help. Because I was thinking to such an extent that I felt as if my nerves in the brain will burst. I even felt as if I am going to have a heart attack and what not. My thoughts were negative and the people I was close to, could sense it. I might sound crazy, but that feeling was horrible and I even took help of medicines to calm my brain and it helped to an extent. Despite all my efforts I was not happy and I kept on thinking. I dealt with a lot of things and a lot of things I could not even summarize as at times words fall short. It have had been a long time that I felt what happiness really is. And I was vulnerable to pain. I played that song on loop and kept on thinking what I have been thinking so far. I came back from the trip and felt better, but with time I was back to ground zero.
A lot of people consoled me and became my strength. Well, I believe that is why we make friends. That is why they say that the family is important. They do care for us and when no one is there to support you; when you can not stand for your self; when you are weak, they become your mentor. It doesn’t matter that how many friends we have on Facebook and how many followers we have on Instagram. Because the thing that matters is the number of folks who stood by you. If you have a few people with you then you have surely won as a human being and you know how to manage relations and I believed that I won too. I had my family and friends with me. And In this journey called life I have met a few new people who helped me to be stronger. Still to cop up with my stress and depression, I took help of writing. I updated my writings on social platforms and sent messages on whats app. At times I wrote to be an attention seeker. At times, when I was alone I thought that my writings will impress people and they will talk more with me as I wanted people to praise about me and talk to me. At times, I felt so lonely that I thought may be some one could come and hold my hand and help me from getting out of the miseries. I was writing a lot of emotional stuff and a few advised me to write motivational writings as I did earlier. But how could I write about motivation when I myself was depressed. How could I talk about dreams and hope, when I was shattered for so many reasons. It was hard.
All these days, a few people suggested me to get married, but I was never ready for that. I was earning what is enough for me and I didn’t felt that I am responsible enough to be a husband. A few said that you are a great writer and you should write a novel, but I had no idea that how to write dialogues and how to make plots. I took myself as an immature writer. A few told me that you are smart enough, why didn’t you have had a girl friend? Well may be because I might have had a different story all together. May be it was not a thing to discuss with them as somethings are better left unsaid. People kept on saying different things and I kept on thinking. I was pessimistic and then I saw something that motivated me. It was a video sent by a wonderful friend of mine. It taught me that our worries and stress is like a glass filled with water and our arm being our brain. If we hold it for a while and keep it back on table then its good enough. But if we hold it for hours, our hand and arm will pain and if we hold it for a day we will feel as if our arm is paralyzed. So, in a nutshell, there is no point of clinging to the thoughts that are harming me. There is no good in holding on to your worries for so long. I thought that It was time to move on and get rid of all the thoughts I was dealing with. Even though it was not going to be easy and I knew it is easy to write than to act up on it, but then the best I could do is to try. Try to smile and try to feel happy. I have suffered for many reasons and I still hope to stand again with same passion and smile. I believe that if I can than you can too. I did not want to tell my story. I wanted to motivate you and what else could be better than writing something true; writing some non fictional thing that I can relate to and that you can also relate to. This life is short and we are wasting it by surrounding ourselves with negativity and things that matters the least. We have so much to achieve and so much to dream and make it a reality. We have people to take care of and we have people who need us badly. I know a few people need me so I am going to be happy for them. I have to do something for them. At times, you have to think for others. At times, you have to think for yourself too, but in a good way. At times, you have to open your heart out so that people can guide you and may be they could learn from your experiences too. At times you have to cry so as to feel lightened. At times you have to stop worrying about the society and their judgements. At times you really have to trust the Lord as He has planned the best for you. Well. I know, I have had been thinking too much and I am thinking too much now as well, but its a bit different as I can feel optimism. I can see the ray of light that is breaking the darkness. I might be sentimental, but I am strong in my way.