She Never Said “I am Leaving”

'Mother' 'She never said I am leaving' 'Son'

After a tiring day at work, he returned home and was shocked to see that the gate was locked. It was rarest of rare situation for him as his mother used to be at home when he comes back from work because she was sick and couldn’t go out alone. He wondered where his mother might have gone. With a tensed face, he unlocked the gate using the duplicate key and went inside. He sat on the couch and started looking at an alluring picture of running horses framed and hanged on the wall of his drawing room. He gave a thought and compared those running horses with  humans. The horses were running as we, the humans, run from one place to another in order to live this life,  leaving behind the small, but amazing things that life offers us every now and then.  Realizing later, that all this time we forgot to live which was the reason to run at first place. After having a glimpse at the picture and pausing his thought process, he took his eyes on a different wall where there was a picture of his mother. She was smiling and was looking beautiful. After a few seconds, his eyes filled with tears and he started crying loudly. He didn’t know what to do as he felt so lonely. He shouted for his mother, but she was not at home. He stood and checked every corner of his house with tears still showering from his eyes, but she was not there. He sat on the same couch again and took a deep breath. He closed his eyes and wondered where his mother could be. At that very moment, he questioned himself,  “how could she be at home?”.  She couldn’t be outside as well.  She couldn’t be in this city, not even in this country, because she was no more. Yes, she left this world a month ago and for him it was a nightmare. He hoped that it will be over when he will wake up, but unfortunately, it wasn’t a dream. It was real. He had not “lost” his mother. We say that to be polite, but in truth, he had  became un-mothered.  He realized that he was sitting at the same place where his mother took her last breath. He went into thoughts of his mother and started thinking that what his mother might have felt in her last moments. Did she suffer pain? If yes, then how much pain? Did she longed to see him in her last moment? He regretted the day his mother left the world. He regretted because he was not there.  May be he could have done something to save her, but what difference would he had made, he kept on asking himself.

His mother was ill from a long time. She was kind, generous, amazing and strong. Despite being unhealthy she didn’t moan about it. Rather, she used to remember the Lord, The Creator of this world. She got brain stroke twice in the past which impacted  her body, but every time she went sick, she fought from it and stood again. Unfortunately, she got a stroke again on the left hand side of her brain. Doctor said, its a minor clot and she will recover as she did in the past, but this time it was different, this time she wasn’t recovering with same pace. The movement of her body was impacted and so did her speech. The left side of the brain does all the creative things for the body for example: speaking, thinking, making decisions etc.  Though she understood everything, still she spoke less. Though she wanted to move and walk, still she couldn’t do that. She lied on her bed looking at him and others. She was in pain, but she didn’t cry. She kept on taking the Lord’s name. She kept on mumbling the eternal words of the Almighty.  At times her eyes were wet, but she never let those tears fall down from her eyes. Her tears were priceless. He and his father knew that. They did everything possible to make her better, they went to the best doctors and settled a room with a hospital bed and equipment so that they can at least have an eye on her Glucose level, blood pressure, etc. Due to the restrain in the body movement, she got sores and they were hideous. He always prayed that even anyone’s enemy didn’t get sores. Sores, they say is a raw or painful place on the body. It’s a bacterial infection which attacks the skin and then goes deep inside making holes at the places of sores. It happens because of lack of air reaching the parts of the body. They are ugly, painful and in case of his mother, they were worst as she couldn’t tell if she is in pain. All she did was taking the lord’s name and that is what made her stronger. Luckily, She was showing improvement and doctors never indicated that there is any risk of life. He hoped she will be fine soon and he will be able to talk to his mother.

It was a normal day and he had an off from work. They had already decided to visit a neurologist for consultation. He was lazy so he woke up late. He quickly got ready so as to go to the hospital. He could have gone alone, but he asked his father to accompany him so as to ease the appointment and billing process. They decided to first take an appointment and then when the time for the consultation would be near they will take her to the doctor. His father already took care of her breakfast and did all the chores to make her ready. His younger cousin was home and they asked him to stay near her. He was in hurry. Generally he used to talk to his mother and kiss her on her forehead. Though she didn’t respond, but he used to say a few motivating words to his mom. Though he was broken inside, but he still used to smile in front of her. He didn’t do anything that day. He was in rush as the doctor might leave early, all these things made him tensed and all he did was adjusting her mother’s pillow so that she can sit comfortably. He thought he will talk to her once he will come back as the hospital was only half a kilo meter from their home. But life has planned something else for them. They took the appointment; submitted the documents to the doctor’s assistant and asked for the appointment time and then suddenly his phone rang. It was his cousin, with his voice filled with worry he spoke “Come home soon, Aunt is breathing weirdly”. He ran towards the parking and drove as fast he could, he and his dad were worried, they reached home and what they saw was not what they expected. His mother was lying on the couch. ‘Mom wake up. Wake up.’ He shouted, she didn’t respond. He realized that something is seriously wrong. He felt helpless and lost his senses, but soon he gained his senses and with the help of his dad and neighbor they managed to take her to the car and drove back to the hospital. There were tears in his eyes, his father was silent. He was a strong man, but he seemed broken too. They reached the emergency section of the hospital, where she was declared ‘Bought dead’. He couldn’t believe what just has happened, he was numb; he was broken; he was filled with agony. He didn’t know what to do now. His father stood silent in one corner and in the other corner he was crying. He didn’t know what to say to his father. He hugged him. His father was a pillar for him. That day he saw him broke. He somehow managed to call his sisters and a few close friends and relatives. Though he loved to talk and was a good speaker, who is filled with words, but he didn’t know what to say. He had just lost the most precious thing. He lost the one thing that bought him to this world. He lost his mother. What would he tell other, what sentence he should use. “Mom is no more” or “Mom left the world” or may be “Mom is dead” or “Mom went and left us” or what else? It is hardest thing to say and its even hard to see some one lying with no beat, no pulse, no movement. You can not do anything to bring someone back. No matter how much money you earn and how technically sound you are or how genius you could be, you can not bring someone back from death. He called everyone and soon the people gathered. They sympathized him and soon he realized that as soon as we die, our identity becomes a “Body” as people use phrases like: “Bring the Body”, “Lower the Body in the Grave”, “Take the Body to the Grave yard”, etc. People don’t even call you by your Name whom you tried to Impress whole life. He wondered what is the value of these relations and this society. A few people whom he counted on the most  didn’t came to meet him and a few whom he never expected were there at the time of sorrow.  All the rituals were too much for him. He didn’t know the purpose of many. All he knew was that his mother was not there and many people who didn’t even come to ask about her health were there after she left the world. It was pointless for him. He learned a lot in last few days. For the first time in his life, he knew sorrow. He felt sadness, deep sadness. Among all the rituals the cremation was the most difficult one for him. He being the only son, had to take his mother to the cremation ground with his cousins. He had to light the fire to the one who created him. From the first word he spoke to the first step he took; from the first cycle he bought to the first car he drove car; from the first day of his school to the first word he wrote. From the first day of his college to the first day of his job, he had his mother with him. Every time he needed something, he had only one person to count on. His mother used to refer his demands to his father. And that day he had to do the task he never thought of doing. He had to put the end on the physical presence of his mother. It was the hardest thing he had ever done. He was numb. He felt nothing as if he had no soul.  All the dear one consoled him, but only he knew the pain he went through. The time his mother died, he lost a piece of his heart. He didn’t know if he will ever get it back. His mother was his home. She gave him life. Unsurprisingly, life wouldn’t be same without her. It had lost its meaning. The time when he went to scatter his mother’s ashes in the holy water. He realized that there is no such value of our body, all that mattered were memories. He decided to make memories from that day so that he can live in the memories of his loved ones when he will leave this world, just as his mom was there in his memories. What so ever materialistic things he earned, meant nothing for him. All that mattered was the time he had got and the way he will utilize it to live this life which is gifted to everyone by the God. He decided to not to take things for granted as that day before leaving for hospital, he thought of talking to his mother once he comes back home. Who knew when he will be back she won’t be there. Well, Who knows what next movement is going to bring. Who knows if we will take the next breath or not. Life is short. Its just one breath that can change everything. All these things made him wiser. He knew whom to trust and whom to maintain a distance with. Most importantly, He knew the value of life.

Sitting on the couch, he kept on looking at the picture, hoping that her mother will come out of that picture and hug him tight. He wanted her badly. He was still in shock that she was no longer with him. There was a huge void when he lost his mother and he will always have a need for his mom. There was an aching he felt inside that he couldn’t explain. The absence of his mother was so evident in everything he did. This feeling was like a tiny substance seen from outer space. It was also an infinite thing, an actual space that lived inside him. Somewhere inside this space is the day itself, the day his mother left, the day his mother left. It was on repeat, going every time in his head. The last day, The last time he saw his mother alive. The last time he saw the face of his mother before lighting her to fire; The last time he saw his mother ashes before scattering them in the water. It goes on and on, unreadable, but there. She was not there and the saddest part is that she never said she was leaving, she never said goodbye. She was gone before he knew it & only God knows why, only God knows why.

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    By: Jaspal Singh

    An enthusiastic blogger from Delhi-NCR. I have plethora of thoughts in my mind and I would like to write about all of them. I believe words have the power to connect us. Words, if used correctly can inspire our world. So, here I am trying to connect and inspire the World with my Words.

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